Are you saying ‘yes’ to yourself?

I sometimes say ‘yes’ when I mean ‘no’ and vice versa. Help!

Pages from graphic artist Anthony Burrill’s inspiring book ‘Work Hard & Be Nice To People.’ You can read more about him and buy his work here.

Hello! Thank you for reading The Honesty Box today. How has your week been? I’ve been a bit cranky over the past few days.

At the start of the week, I decided I needed to post more articles on LinkedIn so ‘bashed out’ (a phrase I first came across in a newsroom when I was starting out as a journalist) a piece about why Prince Harry used a ghostwriter for his book ‘Spare,’ and it was all systems go for two hours.

I felt productive and happy that I’d invested in myself - as a freelance writer, I need to show my craft.

Five points to me.

I got quite a bit of work done over the next few days, but by Thursday I was tired and grumpy and decided I was terrible at sticking to things (healthy eating, exercise routines, journaling, creative writing, pitching, tidying, pretty much everything else) and was also cross with myself for consuming multiple Lindt balls in one sitting.

Minus five points to me.

“YES. I MEAN NO!” “NO. I MEAN YES!”

However, that night I had booked a personal training session at the gym, and even though I really did not want to go, it made me feel better and by Friday I felt ‘on it’ once more.

Multiple points back to me. Woo!

I also needed a bit of inspiration and, at my coworking place I came across a little book called ‘Work Hard & Be Nice To People,’ by the graphic artist Anthony Burrill.

Inside, I found a double page spread that shouted in black & white upper-case letters “YES. I MEAN NO!” “NO. I MEAN YES!” which neatly brings me to what I wanted to talk about this week.

When a man I was dating suggested we go away for a few days together, I said ‘yes’ with a squeaky voice and a raised heartbeat

Knowing where my boundaries are has sometimes been difficult for me, and funnily enough, I had a hypnotherapy session a couple of weeks ago where I tried to tackle this exact tendency – to sometimes appear positive about something I’m actually unsure about, or to turn something down because it seems too risky or doesn’t fit with what I thought I wanted to do.

(I’ll write more about hypnotherapy another in another newsletter, but if you’re interested in finding out how it can help, I went to Anna Bartholomew and you can book a short intro session with her here.)

If I’m asked to do something directly and in person, I feel compelled to answer immediately

I’ve always found it hard to make decisions, about everything from would I like to go to the pub for an hour at 4pm on a Friday to whether I should take on a complicated piece of work for a new client when I’d promised myself I would spend more time on ideas and creative writing.

If I’m asked to do something directly and in person, I feel compelled to answer immediately, and then sometimes have to rethink my choice.

When I was asked to the pub, and said no, because I needed to finish some work, but almost immediately felt the fear of missing out. Gah!

In saying no to these two requests, I was saying yes to myself

And when, in November, I was approached to undertake a troublesome-sounding project, I appeared positive about it on a phone call but had an instinct that it could end up taking up a lot of time and adding too much to my ‘cognitive load’.

A few hours later, I realised the project would stop me from doing the creative things I’d promised myself I’d do. So, I politely emailed to say no, but I felt like I had let the person down because I’d taken a few hours to get back to them.

Next time, I think I’ll ask a few more questions via email to try to get a sense of a project before having a call.

I decided that in saying no to these two requests, I was saying yes to myself.

High five to me!

However, I then had to make sure I did the things I said I would – namely sending pitches to editors (I did that) and working on ideas to expand this newsletter (more of which coming soon!).

Saying yes (definitely not to the dress!)

I’ve also said ‘yes’ to things I actually thought ‘noooooo’ to.

When a man I was dating suggested we go away for a few days together, I said ‘yes’ in with a squeaky voice and a raised heartbeat, but as I was very unsure about him what I actually meant was ‘NoWayThatWouldBeAVeryBadIdeaAndIThinkI'veGotTheIck’.

But I didn’t say ‘no’ for fear of having to have A Big Conversation About Us then and there, something I really didn’t feel like doing.

I also had some vague hope that my feelings towards him might become more positive.

I wasn’t yet ready to be completely honest with myself about how I felt about him, and I hadn’t properly articulated my feelings. Also, ‘NoWayThatWouldBeAVeryBadIdeaAndIThinkI'veGotTheIck’ didn’t seem like a very nice thing to blurt out at him.

So, it was for me easier to say ‘sure’ and hope that the weekend away never materialised (it didn’t, because we broke up).

For accountability, I’ve joined a group for people writing books (actual books!)

I guess it probably would have been fairer, if scarier, to be brave and have The Conversation at the time, or perhaps said something like ‘let me think about it’.

But as I said, I wasn’t ready, and I find letting my thoughts percolate overnight and writing things down is helpful, and something I’ve done more of since that going-away chat.

Much obliged - to myself

Now I want to say ‘yes’ to myself more. I’m attempting to move away from being a classic obliger, in that I am good at fulfilling my obligations to others, but less so to myself.

(An Obliger is one of the personalities detailed by Gretchen Rubin in her book The Four Tendencies – the others are Questioners, Rebels and Upholders – you can do her quiz to find out which one you are.)

To say yes to myself, I need accountability, and lately I’ve done this in a mix of ways, from more formal to on the hoof.

I’ve joined a group for people writing books (actual books!) and said I will submit a chapter of the book I started writing last year for them to read and provide feedback on at the end of this month.

It’s out of my comfort zone because the writing group people are really talented

This makes me accountable to myself and the group – I can’t let them down.

It also means I have to add creative time to my diary, something that the coach, clown, host and all-round talented and kind person Em Stroud advocates in her book ‘Lessons from a Clown – How to find courage, to show up for yourself and laugh every day’.

I haven’t yet got to the point where I block time in my diary for creativity, but I am going to.

It’s also out of my comfort zone because the writing group people are really talented, some of whom have book deals or are published authors, and this is the stretch I need.

They will give me positive feedback and constructive criticism and my next plan is to do a creative writing course starting in the spring.

Less formal accountability this week came in the form of chatting to my friend Stu at my co-working place who gave me two minutes to write down a list of creative things I wanted to get done. Stu then checked how I was doing later that day, and I’d made progress.

More points. Yes!

Things I like

Stutz

Thank you to my friend Laura for recommending this Netflix documentary about the psychiatrist Phil Stutz, created by the actor Jonah Hill.

Hill has benefited from Stutz’s techniques, which he calls the Tools, and has become more content and accepting of himself. Hill decided to make this film to help other people in the face of Stutz’s declining health.

Glory gloriaaaaaaa

Hello Gloria is a fab newsletter for ‘women who aren't yet old, but aren't still young’. It’s kind of a roundup of stuff about excellent middle-aged women, fashion, stuff to watch and humour, and I think they hit the nail on the head with a lot of things.