Do you self-sabotage?

Fuck that

No, this door is not blocked. You can find a way in. Photo by Morgane Perraud on Unsplash

Warning: there is a lot of swearing in this post.

I was going to write about self-sabotage today - you know, that thing you do when you cut your nose off to spite your face.

When you say ‘no,’ even though the little, wise fairy that you ignore so well is trying to scream ‘yes,’ at the back of your mind.

When you won’t even try something because you ‘know you’ll fail’.

Or when you don’t ask for what you want because you ‘know you won’t get it’. Or you think you don’t deserve something, so you don’t bother to pursue it.

Well I’m not doing that today. Because today I’ve decided not to give you endless examples of how I self-sabotage.

No.

Today I am saying: Fuck self-sabotage!

Fuck telling myself I can’t do something, and fuck negative comparisons and imposter syndrome. Fuck off anxiety around failure and worries about ‘what if’.

I’m not even going to grace those things with my presence.

I’ve had an up and down few weeks. The combination of being single and freelance can be hard: sometimes I love the hustle of work, the variety and the sense of possibility about what might happen.

Other times, I really don’t feel that way, and in the past weeks it seems like everywhere I look there have been posts from self-employed writers saying ‘it’s so tough out there,’ and I’ve also seen loads of articles about how terrible the dating world can be.

I’ve felt the full gamut of these things lately. I’ve worried, wallowed, wailed and done that psychobabble thing of allowing myself to feel the feels.

But many of us are lucky enough to have a choice. We can nod along with the negativity around us and apply it to our own lives - and get a sense that everything we see/do/experience proves our point (there’s even a name for it - ‘confirmation bias’).

Or we can choose to say no, fuck that. I am ploughing on regardless. I am finding my own way. I am a unique human: I am creative, I am attractive, and I have great ideas.

What’s helped me shift my mindset? When I was feeling blue, nature helped me mend.

Getting a pencil and paper and writing everything down has also been cathartic. But these past two weeks, when I’ve felt a switch into positivity, it’s been other humans - real, live people who have got me out of this funk. Some fabulous friends and family and quite a few strangers.

Last week, I went to an event hosted by Women In Journalism. I had known about the organisation for a while, but had somehow subconsciously glossed over it, because it ‘wasn’t for me’. (‘Why the fuck not!’ the little fairy has been screaming for a while, but I ignored her until a colleague urged me to join).

At the event, I watched a discussion where Beth Rigby, political editor of Sky News, spoke about the UK’s forthcoming general election (unfortunately, it’s going to get nasty, was her sentiment). It was chaired by Rachel Corp, CEO of news organisation ITN, and the other panellists were journalists from British media outlets The Guardian, Channel 4 and Channel 5.

The discussion was excellent, but what I loved most about the evening was the chance to chat to other people about their lives and careers.

I was honest about the ups and downs of freelance life (right now it feels like clients’ budgets are wobbly and generative AI instead of humans is being used to write copy), and ask how they were doing.

As soon as I stopped feeling intimated by the panellists and started to be curious about all the other people there, I had a great time.

Could I get into radio journalism having been a ‘print’ writer for years, I asked a freelance radio producer. She suggested some contacts. How could I help her, I asked. We swapped numbers.

If you’re reading this and thinking ‘no one listens to me,’ well, I hear you.

Rachel from ITN came over for a chat and we talked about being self-employed and my new art project (I’m writing for CNBC’s ‘Art of Appreciation’ report) and she said she’d put me in touch with people who might be useful.

Another woman told me that a university was looking for people to talk about freelance life and would I be interested. Yes, I said.

When I lost my job in 2016 and went freelance, it was exhilarating. A bit scary, sure, but my attitude then was that necessity is the mother of invention. Old contacts got in touch and work flowed.

The world has changed dramatically since. We can rail against the effect on us, or we can work out how to embrace it for ourselves - and how we can help others.

I love writing to you, but I have to say that sometimes, it’s bloody hard work. But the more I do this, the more I realise that I, and you, have something to say. If you’re reading this and thinking ‘no one listens to me,’ well, I hear you. I have been there. Yes, have a wallow, and a wail, and do whatever you need to do.

But then, get out there and say: fuck self-sabotage. Let’s embrace this brave, new world.