How are you accountable?

And cake with consequences

Hello, and thank you for reading The Honesty Box. It’s been three weeks since I last wrote, and I apologise for skipping last Sunday’s newsletter, but I had a big deadline. I was working on a proposal for a book I hope to write, with the working title I Don’t Have Kids - And That’s OK, which some of you might remember from a post I wrote of the same name a few months ago. 

I really want to give a voice to people who thought they would have kids, but for whatever reason they haven’t, to show that there can be a great life beyond having children of your own. I have felt ashamed of not being a mother, but now I’m much more accepting of it, so the idea is to explore that process and speak to other women and men who are also on the ‘other side’. 

I hope this will give some reassurance and inspiration to the millions of people who feel society’s pressure to conform - as well as imposing expectations on themselves - and help show that they can create a fulfilled life that is full of love, whatever their path.

Anyway, the proposal has gone to an agent and I’ll get feedback later this week as part of the Agent121 programme organised by I Am In Print, which helps new writers get published. I’ll let you know what happens.

Without that deadline, I could have meandered for months

I’ve been thinking about how motivating deadlines are, and I’ve also been considering other ways to make myself accountable. Part of the reason I signed up to Agent121 was to force myself into getting my proposal done, and that involved interviewing other people about their experiences and talking to experts - for example an anthropologist and a therapist - and then thinking about how I could weave all of their thoughts into a useful narrative.

Without that deadline, I could have meandered for months and the pressure of not letting someone else down held me to account.

I find it much harder to hold myself accountable and that applies to everything from my work - for example setting (and sticking to) a specific goal to pitch ideas to publications beyond the ones I usually write for - to finding ways to stop eating biscuits, believe it or not. 

The problem is that if I have biscuits, cake, chocolate or crisps in my flat, I want to, and often do, eat most of the packet in one sitting.

Going cold turkey on treats

Milk chocolate is so deliciously sweet that I find it addictive, while my favourite crisps (a large size M&S crunchy combo) are just so darn moreish I just can’t stop eating them. So my strategy had been to go cold turkey and only have such goods on hand if I was entertaining. Cut to eating half a packet of biscuits before a neighbour’s arrival, or breaking the ‘rules’ entirely and eating a massive bag of crisps on the way home from work.

The lack of accountability part of this is that I’ll say to myself: “Oh it’s OK, I won’t eat them all at once,” when I buy such items, but then immediately break my own rules because I’m not strong-willed enough to stop.

I also don’t suffer the consequences immediately - eating copious amounts of crisps isn’t going to have a negative impact on my health straightaway or make me feel ill - so I merrily munch them with only my present pleasure a consideration. I want instant gratification, and I get it.

A total ban on cake or chocolate only served to make me crave it more

Leaving a friend’s party last week, I took away a large slice of birthday cake to eat on the long train ride home. Looking at it on a plate inside a plastic bag at the station I thought to myself: “Here we go again.” But then I realised: I’m the one in control here. What if I decided to have a little bit right there, and then save the rest? I needed to try to retrain my brain around sweet treats to have less of a feast or famine attitude. 

A total ban on cake or chocolate only served to make me crave it more and as the saying goes, everything in moderation. Believe it or not, I managed to make that slice last three days, and I think just by being intentional about how I eat helped change my behaviour. We’ll see how long it lasts.

Things I like

Waiting for the marshmallow

No piece mentioning delayed gratification would be complete without talking about the famous Stanford University Marshmallow Experiment, in which several four or five year-olds were put into a room, one at a time, with little else but a marshmallow. They were told that if they could wait to eat it while the researcher left the room for a period of time, they would be given another marshmallow. 

The initial results were published in the 1970s and the participating children were followed up for 40 years. The ones who could delay gratification - and wait for the second marshmallow - did better in life than those who ate the one that was in front of them without waiting. The good news, as habits expert James Clear writes, is that we can train ourselves to delay gratification, and our brains will say: “Yes, I have the capability to do this,” which is basically me with that slice of cake at the train station.

Attached

I’m reading Attached - Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the science of adult attachment can help you find - and keep - love by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, and it’s brilliant. This book aims to help people understand what goes on for them in dating and relationships and how, if you’re anxious for example, you can stop sabotaging your potential for love. You can take a quiz to see if you’re secure, anxious or avoidant.

Thanks to Brooke Lark and Unsplash for the image that goes with this post on the desktop homepage of The Honesty Box.