I don’t have kids

And that's OK

Hello, and thank you for reading The Honesty Box. Today, I’m writing about something I’ve never discussed in public before: the fact that I assumed I would have children, but haven’t.

It’s taken time, energy and emotion to process the fact that biologically, children are fairly hard to come by when you’re 40-something, but now (I turned 44 this week) I feel as if I’m almost out of the other side - and it’s such a relief to be in more of a place of self-acceptance.

Like many people, children are something I really wanted - and I thought would naturally happen: growing up it never really entered my mind that maybe it wouldn’t, and what that might be like. (I’d be really interested to know other people’s thoughts on this - whether it’s something that you discussed, or even if it was brought up at school - drop me a line.)

I felt ashamed that I wasn’t a mother and couldn’t contemplate that life could be great without kids of my own

As a seven year-old, I would make believe that I was teaching my own children, and I remember watching TV coverage of the Ethiopian famine in 1984 and imagining being able to look after the children I saw, and for some reason pictured lots of ripe, red tomatoes that I fantasised I would give them.

Over time, I’ve had to adjust my view. In my late 30s, I railed against the unfairness of not having met the right person to have a family with and spent dark evenings crying as friends announced pregnancies, trying to deal with the fact that it might not happen for me. While I was (and am) delighted for friends who have had children, at the same time I felt ashamed that I wasn’t a mother and couldn’t contemplate that life could be great without kids of my own.

Moving towards accepting the situation, I still needed to make sure I gave myself room to be sad. It’s been quite hard to express that sadness or grief out loud, but doing so and feeling heard has been an important part of the process. 

Now, my perspective has shifted from one of wanting to have a baby to knowing that life has a lot of fulfilment without my own kids.

I do already have children in my life - in the most incredible way. I am over the moon to be an auntie to two fantastic little boys, who I adore spending time with - and I can’t wait to carry on loving and supporting them as they grow up. Having nephews is an enormous gift.

I’m also learning to accept and celebrate myself exactly as I am, without yearning for the label of ‘mum’ anymore. And I know that as much as I had tied my identity as a woman to becoming a mother and then struggled when it didn’t happen, women who are parents can also find it hard to discover who they are around early motherhood and beyond. So while it sometimes felt like I had less common ground with people who have children, that’s really not the case at all.

Not having a partner and deciding I didn’t want to try IVF as a single person, I now think about what amazing possibilities life might hold without having my own children. Of course, I am fortunate that there are options if I decide that I want to bring up a child in future - with all the love (and bloody hard work) I can give - including fostering or adoption, or step-parenting, should that come my way. 

Like I said, it’s a process, but I’m at the ‘OK’ stage now, and that feels good.

Next time, I’ll be featuring my first Honesty Box interview, where I speak to a 28 year-old friend who is contemplating having children while worrying about contributing to the climate crisis - and she also has some sage advice for me.

Things I like

Two fabulous friends gave me books for my birthday: the first is Charlie Mackesy’s The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse, which I can’t believe I didn’t know about until now. It’s a little like Winnie The Pooh in that it’s a wonderful combination of beautiful illustrations and wise words about life.

The second is How Women Rise: Break The 12 Habits Holding You Back, by Sally Helgesen and Marshall Goldsmith. It covers everything from being a people pleaser to breaking free of feeling stuck at work. Can’t wait to dig in!