These words are like weapons (thanks, Cher)

And - The Honesty Box is going weekly!

Photo by Alexandra on Unsplash

Hello, and thank you for reading The Honesty Box.

This week, I’ve been inspired by a column from the Financial Times journalist Simon Kuper on the joys of having a vocation for a career (instead of being a management type, for example) and it reminded me how grateful I am to make a living from what I love, which is writing.

As a journalist, people hire me to report on interesting stuff, and I also help companies and people work out the best words to communicate in all sorts of ways.

(Books! Blogs! Podcast scripts! Hire me here, before ChatGPT usurps me!)

So, I’m a wordsmith, and this week I’ve been thinking about those tiny little words we often attach to phrases, words that are so short they just slip into our speech or writing without us really thinking about it.

I’d rather be liked exactly as I am, which has much more of an air of celebration about it.

These (mostly) four-letter words are like minute, unexploded bombs, and I’ll explain why.

I’ve used one in a previous sentence, and it’s a word I suggest using with care.

Just.

How can ‘just,’ such a short, simple word, be so bad?

Just has many meanings (it can usually be interchanged with simply, honest, recently or only), but I’m going to stick my neck out and say that it’s one of those teeny throwaway words which is very easy to write or say but whose potency can be powerful, even poisonous, depending on its context.

(Cher was right: words are like weapons – they wound sometimes.)

Just one child?

One way I’ve come across it recently is when used in a sentence about a person who has one child – as in ‘so you just have one child’ – which has all sorts of crappy wider-world connotations, mainly that society expects people/parents to have more than one child and it’s questionable when they don’t.

It subtly demeans whoever is on the receiving end of the comment, so don’t use it.

Even better, say nothing.

I also think it’s a bit of a put-down if someone says: “I like you just the way you are,” – this feels like an acceptance of another person (or yourself) that suggests you’ve settled somehow.

I’d rather be liked exactly as I am, which has much more of an air of celebration about it.

Don’t say: “I am still single”. No, you are “single at the moment”.

The ‘J’ word is also very familiar in emails I get from public relations teams who send out press releases starting: “Just a quick follow up!” which gives a sense that the sender isn’t really asking for what they want and minimises their needs in some way.

(They may as well write: “Sorry I know I don’t really matter, and you are all powerful and important and you’ll probably ignore me because I know I’m inferior!”)

What I suggest is writing exactly what you mean: “I sent you this last week and I’d love to hear your thoughts.”

You can be polite, say you appreciate they’re busy and so on, but state what you’re asking for clearly.

Still single?

Another word that gets me is ‘still.’ (Beloved of journalists interviewing young stars, as in: “Still only 25,” as if that person is going to suddenly become middle-aged overnight.)

It’s fine to use ‘still’ if you’re using its meaning to describe a calm sea, but avoid it in other contexts, such as “I am still single”. No, you are “single at the moment”.

“Still single” has a “Woe is me,” feeling about it – and suggests that you’re in an ever-unchanging and kind of stagnant state that’s been imposed on you.

“Single at the moment,” has much more positive connotations: that things can change (if you want them to), and that you’re perfectly accepting of yourself right now.

Again, this little word punches above its weight: it’s reflective of cultural expectations that being single is a holding pattern that needs to change (do you ever ask acquaintances whether they are “still married”?).

Or, if you feel like it, you can say: “I’m single,” and leave it at that.

Only and even

And finally, ‘even,’ and its cousin ‘only’. As in, “I didn’t even become a journalist until I was 30” (true story) or “I only got married when I was 50” (give me 4.75 years and I’ll let you know).

Again - tiny words, massive implications, as if not getting married until the age of 50 - when arguably you’re in your prime, you know yourself well and you’re confident in expressing your needs to a partner - is a bad thing.

When you use ‘just,’ ‘still,’ ‘even,’ or ‘only’ in these kinds of contexts, you’ll often set up a situation where you feel you need to explain yourself.

And if you do that (“Well, we only have one child because we tried IVF for a second and it didn’t work,” or “I’m still single because all the good men are taken,”) then you’re simply feeding society’s expectations to give a solid reason why you haven’t conformed to a norm.

And that’s just bollocks.

Newsflash!

I write The Honesty Box every fortnight, and soon I’m going to send you something weekly. Instead of including a little list of things I like, which I usually put here at the bottom, I’m going to send it separately.

That means you’ll still get some kind of useful/honest/hilarious/hair-brained-why-did-I-share-this newsletter every other week (good use of the word ‘still’ there, please note), and you’ll get the Things I Like list on the weeks in between. Now, I simply have to remember to do it. Woo!