Wading through sh*t

Professional help needed

This time last year, I spent a Monday morning wading through shit - metaphorically and literally.

After spending four months in lockdown at my mother’s home, I had moved back to my London flat and found myself living and working alone for the first time in my life. I felt disconnected from my community, I’d been through a breakup, and I found that not seeing my friends was taking its toll. I sat at my desk that day and cried, looking out onto the street through the gaps in my blinds at strangers walking by. I felt like I’d been abandoned - how had life come to this?

That morning, I’d woken up to a blocked loo that only seemed to throw up increasing amounts of stuff the more I flushed it, a bit like the unwanted thoughts that kept exploding through my mind. I tried DIY solutions to the poo problem but it needed professional help, rather like my head at that moment. So I rang my doctor’s surgery and the receptionist said I’d get a call back, then I contacted a plumber and was told someone would ring me too.

I put on a face mask and rushed to the café on the corner of my street to buy a coffee and use their basement loo, trying to do everything as fast as possible while I waited for the calls. Returning to my flat, the water in the toilet seemed to have risen even higher and the more desperate I felt. I stared at my phone, urging the plumber and the doctor to call, and hoping it wouldn’t be at the same time.

The doctor telling me that others were struggling with their mental health seemed to validate my experience

After a couple of hours, the phone rang, and a GP I hadn’t spoken to before introduced himself. I started to cry as I told him that my sleep had been disrupted, I had an upset stomach and I felt constantly anxious, but I didn’t know what I was worrying about. He asked if I was doing activities that I enjoyed (yes, spending time with my family) or exercising (not enough).

The doctor told me that many people were feeling like me and prescribed at least half an hour of proper exercise a day that he said had the equivalent effect of taking medication, which he also offered me. He referred me to IAPT, the NHS psychological therapies service.

Just having that conversation with a friendly professional made me feel massively better. Even though I knew people who were feeling similar, the doctor telling me that others were struggling with their mental health seemed to validate my experience. By the time the plumber arrived later that day, I was in a more positive mindset.

It took several months to feel better. I went back to my mum’s and ended up staying until spring. I did lots of exercise - running, cycling and yoga - and I popped back to my flat to plant bulbs so I would have something to look forward to when I returned. I also made flyers for two streets where I live, inviting people to join a WhatsApp group, which now has 30 members. I got some counselling and spent time listening to podcasts. I went for winter walks and chats with friends. 

Back in my flat, I now really like living alone. I go to a co-working place about half the week and am volunteering for two projects. The other night I went to a networking event for the first time in 18 months and realised I needed to update my business cards with the website I made in lockdown plus this newsletter. I felt proud, and very far from being abandoned.

How are you feeling, and have you asked for help?

Things I like

Are you pretending in life?

One of my favourite podcasts (and one that got me through lockdown) is Dr Rangan Chatterjee’s Feel Better, Live More. The episode where he interviews psychologist Dr Pippa Grange is pretty life changing. This line from the show notes hit home: “So many of us conform to societal ideals in order to avoid criticism but in so doing, we can strip ourselves of who we really are.” Pippa talks about how people sometimes pretend to be someone else, rather than living their own life.

Free fitness

Our Parks puts on free exercise classes in green spaces all over London (and online, so anyone can access them) ranging from yoga to bootcamp. I’ve tried a few and they are great, whatever level of fitness you’re at.

Cheap counselling

Headstrong Counselling is inexpensive at £15 to £25 per session, and the time between an assessment and starting sessions is only about a week. Therapists are trainees, supervised by a qualified psychotherapist or psychologist, and a range of languages is offered. It helped when I needed it most.