What do you want your obituary to say?

It's your guide for living right now

Photo by Kenniku Tolato on Unsplash

Hello! Happy Sunday, and thank you for reading The Honesty Box.

This week I walked through my local park and read the dedications on some of the benches that line the grass there, which got me thinking about life and death.

One of my favourite seats in the park is dedicated to a husband and wife who were born in the 1920s and died in their 90s, about a year apart. The bit I like (and, this is where my imagination comes in) is that the woman was six years older than the man, which seems unusual for that era.

How did they meet, and was it taboo that she was, say, 30, and he 24 when they married? Were they lovers before World War II or did she lose a first husband during the conflict and meet her second when he returned from fighting? The dates of their birth tell a story I will likely never discover.

Other benches in the park are inscribed with kind phrases like ‘she loved life,’ or ‘forever in our hearts,’ and are a touching way to remember the person who has died. Some people left this world heartbreakingly young, and others had much longer innings.

Walking around, I started to think about what I’d like written on a bench dedicated to me. I know, I know - why am I thinking about my own morbidity?

Well, as much as we don’t like talking about death, it’s going to happen to all of us at some point, and the phrase that popped into my head was: “She lived a fucking big life,” or, if the f-word is not allowed in these situations, “She lived a bloody great big life,” will do.

In his book The Chimp Paradox, Professor Steve Peters asks people to imagine they are on their deathbed, having lived a long life, and asks readers to picture their great-grandchild asking what she should do with her life. What’s your advice? Steve asks.

Whatever your answer, that’s how you should live your life right now, or what Steve calls your life force. But are you doing that? Reading those bench dedications made me think about mine.

For me, living a bloody great big life means being curious, letting things unfold, trying new stuff, taking risks, giving love generously, knowing what I need and asking for it, not worrying about what people think, being grateful, working to live, having empathy, noticing the green shoots and knowing that most situations can be reframed for the better.

I’m 45, so if I’m lucky, I’m about halfway through my bloody great big life, and I’m glad I just put those words down. I’m going to write them on a big bit of paper and stick it in my bedroom to remind me.

I’ll leave you with this link to a dedication to George Alagiah, the BBC journalist who did this week aged 67.

George’s friend Allan Little praised his instinct for empathy, writing: “George wasn't just a good reporter; he was a good man. He was completely without malice. He carried his profound decency very lightly without a hint of sanctimony. He seemed unaware of his own instinct for kindness.” Qualities to aspire to.

What’s your life force, and what does it mean for you?