What women talk about in private

Is it the same for you?

OK. I used generative AI to ‘create’ this. The prompt was: ‘group of women sofa silhouette’. The legs are weird. I also tried ‘group of women 40s’ as a prompt, and the images showed women at least 20 years older than that. I might do a whole post about AI bias. If I can bear to.

Hello!

This is going to be pretty brief I’m afraid, as I’ve been under the weather… and it’s a slightly experimental one too (I believe in experiments).

I recently went for lunch with four girlfriends at my friend D’s house. We spent about four and a half hours together, on her sofa with wine and snacks, around her table with delicious home-made treats, and back to the sofa again. It was an environment that made for intimate chats.

We are all single, with no children, we are in our 40s, we’re heterosexual, we have good jobs and we live in London.

I wanted to post here a snippet (and this is brief) of what we talked about, anonymously, maybe as a kind of social or historical record. I don’t know. Or maybe as a way to ask: are you also having these chats?

On being single

“I can’t believe you’re single. You’re gorgeous!” was a refrain one of the women said she was fed up with hearing from people.

“Well, you know, underneath my clothes I’m covered in scales, just like Bridget Jones said she was at that dinner party when the first film came out NEARLY TWENTY-FIVE YEARS AGO,” was a possible response suggested.

My thoughts on reflection: Can we please stop saying this to people?! As if being non-single is the only way to live life and if you are doing it solo there is something wrong with you. And is there a little reflection here of the person making the comment - as in they are the ones uncomfortable with us being single, because it represents some kind of fear for them.

And would we ever say: “I can’t believe you’re married. You’re ugly!”?

On not having children

“Why do I still have to explain this to people?” one of the women said.

“A response I recently heard to the: ‘Do you have children’ question is: ‘No, it didn’t work out that way,’ which I think helps people understand that this is a sensitive question - that often doesn’t need to be asked at all.”

My thoughts on reflection: I think this is a good response to the question, but I also think the person being asked then has to be able to be OK with whatever comes next – which is likely to be the questioner themselves feeling uncomfortable and maybe expressing that.

On dating

“When I’m on a date with a man and he refers to some of the women he works with as ‘girls,’ I have to bite my tongue. How long do I have to see him before I can explain to him why the language we use has such a massive impact on how we see other people and the world? And that ‘girls’ is not appropriate?”

“Should I go on a date with this man? I don’t think I fancy his photos.”

“Let me see his profile. Hmm. The real red flag for me is the fact he barely says anything about himself.”

On reflection: “Have you heard of the Burned Haystack Dating Method by

Jennie Young

? I highly recommend it.”

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Are these the things you’re hearing among your female friends? Are you also in your 40s, or are you having these conversations at all ages? Are you a man? What do you think?