Do you know how to say 'No'?

It's better to disappoint someone else than to disappoint yourself

Generated with AI. The prompt: “The words 'no thank you' in green neon with dark blue background”

Recently, a man asked if he could give me a hug.

My body and mind screamed ‘No’.

My heart started to beat faster, my palms became sweaty.

And I know myself such that the feeling wasn’t solely a signal that I needed to say ‘No’ - it was more complex than that.

The feeling in my chest told me: “I really don’t want to hug him, but because of who I am, I’m worried that I’m going to put what he wants first and hug him anyway, and in doing so I’ll let myself down.

“I’ll say ‘yes’ to the hug, because it will be three to five seconds of feeling uncomfortable and then it will be over, and how much does that short period of my feeling awkward while hugging this man matter in the grand scheme of life? He will be pleased because I hugged him - and that’s what matters.”

This wasn’t a random man in the street, or a date or an acquaintance at a party. The hug-request man and I were on a course and we had just (separately) done some ‘work’ around boundaries. We had been practising saying ‘No,’ as part of an exercise in small groups, getting used to saying the word to each other, and sensing how it felt.

I hadn’t expected this man’s request for a hug - it came during breaktime rather than being part of an exercise, and we had been chatting briefly before he asked for the hug.

Saying ‘No,’ is complicated for me and I am not good at expressing it. I feel the need to please, to not let others down. I feel responsible for other people’s feelings and I worry about upsetting them by turning down requests.

When I was recently asked to be a trustee of a charity, I spent time exploring whether to do so and sensed that the role wasn’t for me. I agonised over the feeling, thinking I ‘should’ want to be involved, to help, and felt guilty that I didn’t.

But I managed to listen to my ‘No,’ and knew I was going to turn it down. However, to soften things, I thought I could offer to volunteer instead from time to time. But did I really want to do that? Why did I need to soften the blow of the ‘No’? I decided to write a brief, polite email turning the offer down.

I felt guilty, but had I said ‘Yes,’ the feeling of resentment (towards myself for accepting) would probably have been far stronger. And would this charity want me involved when my heart wasn’t in it? No.

What I am learning - the hard way - is that it is better to disappoint someone else than to disappoint myself. (Do you feel this way too? I’d love to know. Was it hard for you to learn?)

So when the man on the course asked for a hug, I listened to my body. The 'No’ to the hug request was very strong. And I knew that this was the time to go for it, to put into practise what I had learned.

While my heart beat even faster, I found myself stalling: “Erm, let me think about that,” I said, desperately looking around the room for divine inspiration or for a mere mortal to come over and offer themselves to him for a hug.

I gathered all my strength, summed up courage from the depths of my soul and said: “No”. “Not right now.”

And the man nodded, not unkindly, and walked away.

That was it. I had honoured what I wanted - or didn’t want - and said ‘No’. Nobody died, no-one shouted at me, and life continued as usual.

On the course, I learned that a ‘No’ is simply information. You don’t need a reason to say ‘No.’ I didn’t need to explain to the hug requester why I didn’t want a hug. I simply didn’t feel like it.

I also learned that the person who knows how to say ‘No,’ knows their boundaries. And when they say ‘Yes,’ you know that they really mean it.

This doesn’t mean that receiving a 'No,’ is uncomplicated. Sure, it means you know where you stand with that person, but as a recipient of a ‘No,’ you might feel rejected, sad or disappointed.

A few days after I returned from the course, a man I had previously agreed to go for a walk with texted about where to meet. When we had initially made the arrangement, I had been hesitant, finding his approach pushy.

But, as with the hugging man, I had thought “Oh well, what’s a few hours of my life – I ought to just meet this man and maybe a walk in nature wouldn’t be such a bad thing,” convincing myself to override my hesitancy. But when I came back from the course and got his message, I had a strong sense that I did not want to meet him.

And so, I simply wrote back that I was sorry, but meeting no longer worked for me and I wished him well. While I did apologise, I did not feel the need to explain. He replied, thanking me for letting him know.

Perhaps he’d done some ‘work’ around receiving a ‘No,’ because he didn’t question why. And perhaps he realised that he didn’t want to go for a walk with someone who didn’t want to go for a walk with him.

How is your ‘No,’? I’d love to know.