How I found joy in not having kids

It's a process - but life can be pretty bloody good without them

Me on holiday on Phu Quoc island, Vietnam, a couple of weeks ago.

Hello! And thank you for reading The Honesty Box. I posted about my solo trip to Vietnam on LinkedIn last week and several people signed up, so - welcome! Today, I’m writing about how I found joy in life without having had my own children.

About a year and a half ago, I wrote a piece called ‘I don’t have kids – and that’s OK,’ which was my first foray into putting words on the page about how it felt not to be a mother – when I always thought I would become one.

I remember the day I wrote the piece. I had just turned 44, it was October 2021 and I was in a small, soundproofed booth, sitting at a high stool with my laptop perched on a shelf.

I was at the coworking place I go to a couple of times a week, and the words flew out. Usually, I work at a table shared with others, but that day I knew I needed a little quiet.

My feelings about not having children become more positive almost daily, to the point where I now feel absolute joy about the freedom I have

For a long time before that, I felt ashamed about not having kids, and it was the last thing I would have wanted to write about: to do so meant facing up to the fact that the time may have passed for me, and I would have to consider the reality of what I thought would be a frustrating future.

The old ‘dying alone’ classic fear was often present during those days, until I realised that kids or no kids, many people do die without family around them – and sadly this includes some of my grandparents.

Part of the reason I started The Honesty Box was to fulfil a need to express myself, and I had dampened my emotions about not having children for so long that writing about it felt like exposing my soul. But that day in the booth I knew I was ready.

If you are worried about what life might be like if you don’t procreate – then believe me, it can be pretty bloody all right

I had done a lot of processing over the years, and part of that process was saying aloud: here’s what’s been going on for me – and now I’m OK.

Back in October 2021, I wrote about the relief I felt about being on the other side of the fertility headfuck, and I’m revisiting the subject now because my feelings about not having children become more positive almost daily, to the point where I now feel absolute joy about the freedom I have.

About a year ago, the Sunday Times advice columnist Dolly Alderton wrote a response to a 32-year-old woman whose married friends started having babies and who was feeling left out and worried that it wouldn’t happen for her.

Alongside Dolly’s wise counsel to ignore ‘any advice that makes you feel anxious or ashamed’ and to try to keep giving love out into the world, she said: “Seek out the stories of women who are a bit older than you and have chosen a less traditional path.”

Well, now I am one of those women, and my path includes:

• Changing career at 30 – I used to work in advertising and am now a freelance journalist

• Thinking I would ‘always have kids’ and now revelling in the fact that I don’t

• Earning, saving and spending money in precisely the ways I want to

• Going travelling alone and relishing being able to choose exactly what to do and when to do it

• Having the time to fulfil my own creative and health needs by writing, taking improv classes and hiring a personal trainer

• Being 45 years-old and feeling like I’m an adolescent going through a growth spurt

• Absolutely delighting in being a ‘maiden aunt’ and spending time with my nephews

• Lying diagonally on my bed for a nap at 3pm on a Thursday (deadlines permitting)

I am aware that some of my list is due to being relatively privileged and middle-class, but my point is that life can be very free and fabulous without having children.

If you are 30-something and worried about what life might be like if you don’t procreate – then believe me, it can be pretty bloody all right.

I know my feelings will shift again – how will I feel about not being a grandmother, for example – and I am sure that there will be bumps in the road ahead. But right now, in this moment, I am grateful for my life exactly as it is.

Things I like

Travel Like a Bawse

I recently interviewed Keem Smith, a 30-something woman who has travelled to 63 countries by herself - including destinations traditionally associated with couples’ holidays. She’s even set up an online course - Travel Like a Bawse - to teach other people how to travel alone.

“I know a lot of women are like, oh I want to wait until I have a husband to go to Bora Bora or the Maldives, and I’m like, so you’re going to wait on a man to see the Indian Ocean?” she told me. “You don’t want your happiness tied to someone else.” I loved this sentiment, and you can read more tips for solo travel from Keem here.

Austin Butler as Elvis

I watched the movie ‘Elvis’ on a long-haul flight last week and was mesmerised by Austin Butler’s performance as the king of rock ‘n’ roll. His performance was magnetic, even on a tiny screen, and I absolutely bawled at the end. I hope Butler wins an Oscar in a couple of weeks.