I’m no longer a desperate dater
Thank goodness for that
Hello, and thank you for reading The Honesty Box. Today, I’m writing about fear and desperation around being single - and how I no longer feel that way.
I have this phrase that summarises how I used to feel when I came across a potentially single man: Fear Of Missing Out On The One, which I shorten to FOMOTO.
FOMOTO has made me do things I now acknowledge as a bit desperate. One summer’s day a few years ago, I spent the afternoon volunteering at an outdoor cinema, helping to set up a screen and put blankets down for the evening’s showing in a local park.
As I did so, an attractive dark-haired man approached and asked me what the group was doing. He said he was new to the area, sounded Spanish, was wearing a red t-shirt and had been running around the park. I told him we’d be selling tickets later on and he said he might come by. Then he thanked me and jogged off.
As I watched him run into the distance, my mind went into overdrive and a serious case of FOMOTO kicked in. What if he was The One? What if he had been sent by the universe at that time, on that date, in that park to whisk me off my feet, change my life and realise my dreams? And what if I never had an opportunity to meet a suitable man again?
I barely knew anything about the guy, but I knew I had to act.
I found a Post-It note and wrote my name and number on it, just in case he reappeared that evening. I imagined myself casually pulling the piece of paper out of my back pocket and handing it to him with a smile. Then the universe would deliver: he would be mine, I would be his and we would live happily ever after. Simple.
He didn’t show up.
I wasn’t gutted, but I was pleased I had done something that I felt moved my single life on in some way. A couple of friends teased me about the Post-It note, suggesting it would be embarrassing to hand to him because what if he had a girlfriend, wasn’t interested, or laughed at me? But I figured I had nothing to lose.
The One…would also be a perfect mind-reader who put me on a pedestal
On reflection, the act of writing my number down wasn’t out of the ordinary, but what drove me to do so was based on feeling desperate to meet someone.
There are several things I have figured out that have since helped me shake off the dreaded FOMOTO, which plagued me for a while. It certainly wasn’t a quick fix, but a combination of talking to friends, reading books like Natasha Lunn’s excellent Conversations on Love and a sprinkling of therapy have all helped.
The main thing that caused me FOMOTO was clinging to the concept of The One, the knight in shining armour who would ‘solve all my problems,’ the forever man – an emotional rock, an ideal romantic partner, someone who would listen to every issue I ever had - and one who would never piss me off. Oh and of course he would also be a perfect mind-reader who put me on a pedestal.
I realised that this is so flawed because I myself am The One who is responsible for my own happiness, and for dealing with anything that makes me feel less than complete. Now, I am getting to the stage where I feel whole, exactly as myself. That doesn’t mean to say I no longer want a partner, but I’ve let go of the idea of Mr Perfect. When a guy I’m interested in getting to know does show up, I’ll hopefully do so from a place of confidence and curiosity, not FOMO.
The second thing I figured out is that I don’t have many problems to solve. Believe me, there have been many times I have struggled with depressive lows (see my newsletter ‘Wading through sh*t’), but right now I am very grateful to have friends, family, a home and job that I love, and I work hard at them all.
FOMOTO? No-no.
Things I like
FOMOTO and the chimp
In his book The Chimp Paradox, psychologist Steve Peters gathers the emotionally reactive parts of the human brain into a character he calls the chimp, which is unique to each person. The chimp notices danger, triggers a fearful response and stops us from, say, crossing the road when a car is coming. But it also keeps us too safe, drives us to do things based on fear and prevents us reaching for confidence and happiness. The chimp is definitely behind my FOMOTO, and this book has helped me manage it. Steve just released A Path Through the Jungle, which I’m adding to my reading list.
Equality via illustrations
I recently came across artist Lainey Molnar on Instagram, who draws series of pictures challenging norms in society. A post captioned ‘Our accomplishments don’t look the same and that’s perfectly normal,’ features a woman who’s been promoted, another that just bought a house, one who got married and a fourth, Lainey herself, who got out of bed. ‘Don’t compare your small victories to someone else’s major victory timeline,’ she writes. Well said.
Thank you to Luca Upper and Unsplash for the image that goes with this post when it’s viewed on The Honesty Box homepage.