Kids and the climate crisis

Plus parenting for non-parents

Hello, and thank you for reading The Honesty Box. (Trigger warning: miscarriage.)

Last time I wrote about how not having had children feels. For this issue, I interviewed a friend who is at the ‘other end’ of wanting to become a parent and is currently thinking about how that might look. She’s 28 and has a boyfriend she hopes to start a family with in a few years’ time. I’ll call her Melissa.

A few weeks ago, I met Melissa for coffee in the park and she made a comment about how some of her generation plans not to have children because of their potential effect on the environment. I wanted to hear more, so later I interviewed her about the cost of having children, childcare and her career, and what advice she has for people who haven’t had children, but perhaps wanted them.

The conversation has been edited for clarity and brevity.

During our chat in the park, you mentioned that you’d discussed the narrative around young people choosing not to have children due to the climate crisis. Where do you stand on that?

It’s a really big dilemma. I don't want to be a mum at this exact moment [but] it's something that I will have to address in the near future. And I’ve become super conscious of my own impact on the planet. And at the same time, it's always been a very strong conviction of mine to be a mother and I definitely want to know how I [can] reconcile my sustainability aims with my passion to become a mum one day. 

And I had that debate with some friends and their replies were very straightforward: they were like, that's the one thing that I’m not going to compromise on. I'm not going to stop myself from having kids, because of climate change. That made me realise that maybe it's okay for me to have kids [and] I will raise this kid or these kids in a way so that they're aware of their impact.

What is behind the conviction that you always wanted to have children?

It was always a dream of mine, but I didn't have a reason behind it, apart from the fact that maybe it is just a ‘normal’ thing to do. I’ve always loved babies and growing up, I would take care of my brother and my cousins. And then, this might sound really cheesy, but I love my partner so much and I know that combined, we can raise good people and, ultimately, I think the world also needs that.

So, the benefit of having a child that is going to do good in the world outweighs the possible negative impact on the climate?

I like to believe so. I want to believe that I will raise this kid or these kids in a way that they're aware of their impact.

How do you feel about the fact that climate change is not necessarily the fault of people your age, it's arguably the fault of older generations who've been reckless?

I feel very angry. Because I feel like I inherited this dilemma that I constantly have at the back of my mind. Why am I feeling anxious about potentially having kids, when the previous generations did not even question that? I don't think it's fair.

Do you have friends who definitely do not want to have children, and if so, are there men as well as women who have that view?

Absolutely not. But I have some friends and family members that are about my age, they are 100% sure they only want to have one kid. There are several reasons [for that] – yes climate change, yes economic factors, but I would say the number one reason is actually career development. And this comes from the women, not from the men.

A woman I know is a doctor, she's 30 and she has been working full-time for only about a year, because it takes a while to get a medicine degree. She told me she’ll only be in a position to have kids in, say, a year and a half, because she wants to have some savings, a title [that says] she's now fully a doctor before she has kids.

What discussions have you had with your boyfriend about childcare?

I think maybe he is an exception to most men…he has said that one of his dreams [is] to be a stay-at-home dad. I don’t think you hear that a lot from men, but it does give me some comfort that he’s willing to share the responsibilities to a full extent.

There’s quite a lot of pressure on men as well when we talk about childcare and the fact that women have to pause their careers. At the same time, men also have this pressure that they need to be the ones bringing the money home.

I – and some of my male and female friends – expected to have children but haven’t. It’s a sensitive subject, but is there anything you’d like to say to us about that?

[You] might question whether that’s a good or bad thing, but I’d say stop thinking about it, stop questioning it – if it didn’t happen, it didn’t happen. If it doesn’t happen for me, I’m not going to feel less of a woman. Rather than thinking about why you didn’t have kids, maybe think about the advantages that has. You can travel a lot more, you can write books, you can do whatever you want because you have a lot more available time.

A lot of us have this preconceived idea of what our lives need to be like. But I totally disagree with that. Even though my life might seem like I’m following those preconceived ideas, it’s because I want to follow them, not because I feel I have to.

……

I love that Melissa has such a strong sense that she is choosing to follow a certain path. It’s certainly something I’ve struggled with - the idea that I assumed my life would be conventional (whatever that means), but in some ways, it hasn’t been. At the same time, I love to hear stories about people who decided to take a different route and embraced it.

Things I like

Bored in the playground

It might seem strange for a non-parent to read a parenting book, but I have learnt so much from Philippa Perry’s The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read. I like what she says about ‘rupture and repair,’ that if a parent does something ‘wrong,’ it’s possible to work towards fixing it. There’s some interesting stuff about honesty in there too, such as telling a child the truth about an occasion when she wanted to leave a playground: because she herself was bored and hungry. She says truthfulness encourages empathy, and gives space for a child to also be honest about their feelings.

The reality of surrogacy

Author and actor Gabrielle Union wrote a raw and moving account of her daughter Kaavia James’ birth by a surrogate in this week’s TIME magazine. “I can never know if my failure to carry a child put a ceiling on the love my husband has for me,” she writes of having miscarriages before deciding to go for surrogacy. It’s adapted from her forthcoming book You Got Anything Stronger? and is an incredibly honest read.