Third date syndrome

Why do I get so attached on date three?

Dates and walnuts. What a combo. Why do I feel so nutty after a third date? Photo by Ella Olsson on Unsplash

Here’s what happens when I go on a date.

We meet by a coffee shop, get coffee, walk around a park. We have a pleasant chat about what we’ve read on each other’s dating profiles and we might swap numbers standing awkwardly by a tube station at the end.

We each get on with our days or weekends and exchange a few messages. I continue with my life and probably don’t think too much about him, aside from setting up date number two (assuming we both want to go on date number two).

Then we meet again, and this meeting might involve food, drink or the cinema. Maybe we kiss at the end. By this point, I’m thinking that this is all perfectly pleasant and sure, let’s meet again. We message intermittently and go on a third date in a similar vein to the second.

And then … BAM!

Sometimes, something happens to me after the third date. Suddenly, I can’t stop checking my phone for messages from him or thinking about whether he’s dating other people (I am probably dating other people).

I see a random thing like a tree with leaves the same colour as the jumper he wore the first time we met and feel compelled to text him about it, in the hope of getting a text back.

Instagram suggests events I might like and I wonder whether he would go with me to something, even though it’s two months away.

I start thinking about the pros and cons of this man (even though I barely know him and this is judgemental) and make lists in my head that usually end with me wondering how much compromise is too much compromise and trying to reassess what it is that I really want.

Is a big heart more important than an intelligent mind? I ask myself.

Is a great memory for my likes and dislikes preferable to always having deep and meaningful conversations?

Does it really matter whether he’s confident with waiters or not?

Even though I hardly know third date guy, something inside me leaps inside him and wants to cling on. And it is a physical feeling, a sting in my chest. It might manifest as a desire to be complimented or hugged or given attention in some way.

I think I have been feeling the sting since I was in my 20s and dated people I then stayed with for too long. But with age comes some wisdom and I have learned to identify whether the person or situation that’s triggered the sting is the right or wrong sort for me, and usually it comes down to how kind I sense they are.

Some people have layers of protection on top of their heart that might obscure their kindness, because maybe they’ve been hurt in the past or maybe they haven’t worked through what their inner child needs or done therapy or dealt with whatever they need to deal with.

And regardless of the reason, maybe this manifests in their mannerisms, and those mannerisms give hints about who they really are.

Being of wiser years now, plus having been on about a million dates, have helped me realise that I cannot be someone’s therapist and that I am not always prepared to try to crack open those layers.

If I get the sense from third date guy that he has too many layers that are somehow a little too scrunchy then it numbs the sting I feel and helps me realise that just because he is giving me the time of day, I must keep calm and work out whether he is worth my time too.

On the flipside, if I sense that third date guy is a kind one with an open heart then I also feel the sting, because they make me melt just a tiny little bit. It could be in their cheeky grin, the way they walk or how they open doors for me (yes, this is still important) or that I sense their soul is willing to be vulnerable with mine.

In a way, the first type of sting is easier to deal with, because if their heart is closed then mine will be too. Whatever, I’ll probably still go on a fourth date in the hope that closed-heart guy might open up and open-heart guy might build on his kindness.

And then I’ll text him after date four about a tree I’ve just seen with leaves the colour of his jumper…

Thoughts? Anyone feel similar on date three, 33 or three hundred? Do you feel the sting too?