We need to talk about dating

Why it's good to say 'no' on the apps

My apple cake did NOT turn out like this. Still it was a tasty distraction from dating apps. Photo by Diliara Garifullina on Unsplash

Hello, and thank you for reading

The Honesty Box

today. If you’re new here – welcome! I’m so happy to have you.

I’m on a podcast! Coach Dr Gertrude Lyons invited me to talk to her on Rewrite The Mother Code, a podcast where she speaks to people about what it means to be a parent – or not – in my case. Gertrude described me as being on a ‘child-free odyssey,’ which is a nice explanation, I think.

Anyway, the podcast came out this week, and you can listen to our conversation here.

Also, this week my friend Jess wrote about Walter, a guy she works at a bookshop with.

“Walter is apparently an extremely hot commodity on dating apps because he’s a straight, nice man in his thirties who reads books and hasn’t been to prison. (The bar for men is so low.) Nearly every time he meets a new match, the woman wants to be exclusive with him by date three,” Jess wrote (Click

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As someone who is dabbling with dating apps at the moment (on Friday night I made an apple and cinnamon cake and while it was in the oven I had a brief swiping session – I multitask while ‘on the apps,’ so at least there is something productive happening around me if not on the screen in front of me - and I recommend baking and browsing), I can relate.

The chances are that you won’t like what you see on dating apps, because as with real life, most people won’t be your match.

Here are a few things I’ve recently read in the ‘about me’ section of men’s profiles:

If you’ve got no banter and your talk is small, I’m not here for that [eye roll emoji] (This is all he wrote)

If humour is not in your list just swipe left please … Your mind should be like a (sieve?)

Experiencing The Hype. No Pretty Little Liars and filtered/catfishes. Guy With Principle. (Only one?)

I’m obviously picking some of the poorer examples I’ve seen (and I know it’s hard to write a dating profile), but men like Walter do appear less common than the Mr No Banters of the app world, and there is some evidence of a ‘marriageability gap’: Women are now more likely to have a bachelor’s degree than men, and there ‘may not be enough educated men to go round’ when it comes to heterosexual relationships.

I know this is dependent on who you are and what you’re looking for (and it comes from a heteronormative perspective, plus assumes everyone wants to get married), but I prefer to date someone I find intelligent, as I like the idea of having great conversations and being able to learn from them.

As someone who spent much of my thirties swiping and matching and dating and deleting and trying again in a quest to find a husband, but ending up going on dates with people I knew I was unlikely to fancy, click with emotionally or intellectually, ‘just in case’ they turned out to be ‘Mr Right’ (Mr Right won’t solve all your problems), I have had plenty of experience of the app world.

So why am I ‘on the apps’ again if they’re mostly quite shit ways to spend time?

Because I have a different mindset now. I’m fully aware that apps “make way more money NOT working,” as Shani Silver points out and there are other ways to meet people.

Instead of saying no to dating apps, I’m saying no on dating apps.

The chances are that you won’t like what you see on dating apps, because as with real life, most people won’t be your match.

And, once you accept that app swiping and dating is like looking for a needle in a haystack, you can be more realistic about what you expect to find there - and decide whether you want to try it or not.

I’m using apps out of curiosity and with a sense of exploration, and I also have way more boundaries and know what feels right and what doesn’t.

If it’s 10.15pm on a Friday night and I’m full of warm apple and cinnamon cake and I’m ready for bed, I’ll say goodnight to whoever I’m messaging without feeling the need for endless chat.

And if someone asks for my number but I’m not ready I’ll say so, and if they ask if I want to meet on Saturday night for a drink and I prefer a morning coffee, I’ll ask how they feel about doing that instead.

If a man comes into my life he has to be pretty special for me to spend time smelling him back (and he has to smell nice)

Or if someone has a dog and mentions it when we message, I’m not shy of saying I’m not a massive fan of them instead of oo-ing and aahing.

Instead of saying no to dating apps, I’m saying no on dating apps.

(Unfortunately, I do think that dating apps can be a breeding ground for sexism or worse, as this BBC report shows, and I’d encourage anyone to report sexist or misogynist comments, and have their wits about them on apps and dates.)

We can choose who we message, and we can be in control of what we say and stick to our boundaries.

If I’m confident and comfortable in myself, which I am much more so right now than I was in my thirties, then I can also be OK with saying what works for me, and trusting my instinct.

“I know so many beautiful, smart single women in London who want to find partners,” Jess wrote in her newsletter this week.

“Do you know how good these women smell just on their way to the grocery store? They smell amazing. A heady concoction of hairspray, deodorant, luxury perfume, essential oils, minty gum,” she said.

“I know I’m generalizing but also, I am right. Why do kind, intelligent, funny, well-read, clean women outnumber their male counterparts so enormously?” she asked.

Well, as I wrote to Jess, I’m now at the point where I’m almost 100% happy being delicious smelling me, exactly as I am… and as I’m feeling good right now, if a man comes into my life he has to be pretty special for me to spend time smelling him back (and he has to smell nice)…

PS: I wrote about Beyoncé and how I flew 4,600 miles to see her concert by myself for CNBC - you can read my piece here.