‘Honesty can really cut through the crap’

Annalisa Barbieri's Moment of Honesty

The Guardian’s agony aunt, Annalisa Barbieri

Today, I’m delighted to say that The Guardian’s very own agony aunt, Annalisa Barbieri, is sharing her ‘moment of honesty’.

I’ve long read Annalisa’s advice to readers and often find it useful - I’m fascinated by why we do the things we do, the difficult situations we find ourselves in and how to resolve things in a grown-up way.

Let’s face it, we’re all a little bit nosy - which is partly why problem pages are so popular - and Annalisa’s words are always wise and kind.

Along with her Guardian column, Ask Annalisa Barbieri, she has an excellent podcast where she talks to experts about everything from the psychology of money to unresolved grief.

We talked about honesty in dating, how to ask someone to listen rather than trying to ‘fix’ you, ways to express yourself when you’re frustrated, and lots more.

So much of what Annalisa says resonates with me and I hope you find it useful. And as ever, please do share this post and feel free to comment.

This conversation has been edited for clarity and brevity.

Lucy Handley: Thanks for taking the time, Annalisa. I started ‘A Moment of Honesty,’ speaking to people who I admire, because I want people to try to understand that it's OK to be really honest with themselves.

Annalisa Barbieri: I mean, it's good to be honest, isn't it? But you have to be careful not to make yourself vulnerable, or be too brutal with your honesty. 

I’ve found that honesty is quite hard to come by sometimes. I think people find it hard to be honest when you're asking their opinion about something – perhaps it’s because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. But also sometimes people just don’t want to hear honesty.

Lucy: Tell me about your moment of honesty.

Annalisa: The moments of honesty I've had that have really stuck out for me are to do with relationships.

The first one was when I was in my mid-20s and I started going out with this guy – we’d known each other for quite a long time. And he really sort of pursued me, and we - mostly he - talked about marriage. Everything happened really, really fast. And then….he just went cold. 

I was so confused by what was happening. All my girlfriends were really sweet. They were saying things like, oh, he's just not ready for a relationship, or you were too good for him, which is lovely, but ultimately useless because it gives you false hope and is massively biased.

One evening I went to a work party. My then editor Simon Kelner was there. I told him what had happened and he said, without missing a beat: ‘well, how could he chuck you, you're what every man wants’. I mean, I took that with a pinch of salt! But it was nice to hear. But then he said: ‘well, he’s obviously met someone else’.

Honestly, I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I can still dial into the feeling all these years later, it was so brutal. But it was also brilliant, because it enabled me to get over him because what Simon said was so final - there was no hope!

As it happens, I don't think that ex had met someone else, but the idea that we were never going to get back together hit me in that moment and it allowed me to move on.

That really taught me a couple of things. One is that well-timed honesty is actually a gift. And the other is that asking a man advice about men is a really good idea, because nobody knows them better than they know themselves.

What you want to hear and what you need to hear are sometimes two different things. And that's what I try and do in my column, I always try to tell people what they need to hear. But with gentleness, because we all need a bit of hand-holding sometimes.

The next moment of honesty also involves men. I was working at the Evening Standard and my boss was Lowri Turner who was known for her no-nonsense approach.

I was umming and ahhing between two men, and everyone was getting involved, doing the pros and the cons but ultimately being really kind. And Lowri just looked up for a minute from her computer and said: if you can't decide between the two of them, neither are right.

Again, I had this startling moment of clarity that I couldn’t continue a relationship with either. It was so obvious once she’d said it. Honesty can really shine a light sometimes and cut through all the crap.

In relationships, it took me ages to be able to say what I really wanted, because I really feared rejection, so I was always trying to pretend I didn’t really care (classic Chandler from Friends).

But then one day, I just thought, actually, I want a proper grown up relationship, and there's nothing shameful about that, so I'm just going to admit it and say what I want.

When I met my now husband, I remember being really honest, and saying to him “I think I’m falling in love with you and you might not feel the same way, but that’s how I feel”. I think I'd just had enough pretending and decided to be brave instead. I felt this incredible peace as I said it. That was 27 years ago…

Lucy: How honest should you be with people? I’m sure it depends on the situation.

Annalisa: It's a really difficult question, but yes it does depend on the situation. We all like to think we’d be honest but if you make someone defensive, then they just stop listening, and instead they start shoring up their reasons as to why they're right.

So I think it’s about context and timing and you also have to think is this helpful to them, or is it about me? My editor wasn’t at all strategic, but luckily it just landed right. It was the right moment for me to hear it.

If someone in real life asks me for an honest opinion and they say those exact words, I will give them an honest opinion. But in my job, I have to separate out what I'm doing. eg: I bring my experience, but I don't take in my personal baggage. I think that's really important.  

And I also have to imagine how the reader will feel reading their letter, and my response, on a Saturday morning in a national newspaper. That can be incredibly exposing, vulnerable-making. 

Another thing which I think is really important is to watch out for people hiding projection and point scoring under the guise of honesty. That sort of ‘I’m just being honest’ pre-emptor which is often a little bit cruel or gauche and not very helpful. I think you have to be really careful about that. 

I'm all for honesty, but we have to be realistic about the world we live in. We don't know what's going on for someone: you have to be mindful of their life.

My eldest [daughter], for example, will say: ‘I don't want you to fix this - I just want to talk to you about it.’ Of course as a parent there’s a terrible urge to fix things! Sometimes I will say to her: ‘do you want me to say ‘there, there’ or do you want my opinion?’

Lucy: How would you suggest people say to their friends that they simply want to be listened to, rather than ‘fixed’?

Annalisa: One might consider saying something like, ‘I really feel like I need to get things off my chest. I'm feeling a bit fragile. So I don't need you to help me or fix me, but can I just talk to you, because you’re such a good listener?’

It depends on how well you know the person. I've texted people - really good friends – and said: ‘I just need to offload, I'm going to call you in five minutes. Answer if that’s okay.’

I get comments from readers saying: why didn't that person just do this? And I'm like, ‘if they could just do that they would have done it. They can't, it's not practical. It's not realistic.’

I think sometimes we think people need to be fixed, when what they really need is help listening to themselves and they achieve that by talking to someone. Going for a walk with somebody is a really good way to achieve this - it's less intense than face to face and people can find it easier to open up.

Lucy: How else might people better express themselves? 

Annalisa:  If we’re talking honesty we need to take our example from toddlers, because they are so honest. If they don't like you, they don't talk to you. If they don’t like something they will let you know and sometimes they just throw themselves on the floor and have a tantrum. I kinda admire that. It’s pure. But then social conditioning takes that away and we hide behind niceties which don’t get me wrong are vital, but where do all those not so nice feelings go? Inwards. 

I think if people want to better express themselves it depends on what they want to express but if it’s difficult feelings a good starting point is: in what medium do I do best in? If it’s through a letter then express your feelings in a letter, if it’s face to face then do that. 

Lucy: Thank you, Annalisa.

What do you think? Do Annalisa’s points resonate with you? Do you have a ‘Moment of Honesty’ that helped you move forward? I’m all ears! Let me know in the comments below, and feel free to send this to someone who might like it.

Other posts you might like:

'I do not feel for one single second that my life is missing anything by not having a child' - A moment of honesty with DJ Paulette

We need to talk about dating - Why it's good to say 'no' on the apps

My night with Ryan Gosling - Or what a Hollywood A-list celebrity party is really like