What should I look for in a husband?

I am single, but I might have spent more time working on having a relationship than people who are actually in relationships.

Am I looking for the impossible? Photo by Raul Varzar on Unsplash

I belong to that classification of people known as single women. I am A Single Woman. And I am also a Maiden Aunt.*

In recent years, I have been searching for a husband, and my current therapist (I have had many) recently asked me what exactly it is that I am looking for in a partner.

I do not wish to seem negative, but perusing the current crop of men available on dating apps, it seems easier to describe what I am not looking for.

I do not want a ‘partner in crime,’ or a man who goes fishing once a year and poses for a photograph of himself holding a large fish, or somebody who would like a woman with whom there will be ‘no drama.’

I do not wish to date someone who is proud of having all his own teeth or to pose questions to someone whose dating profile only says: ‘ask me anything.’

I have attended speed dating evenings, where I have met men with large sets of keys attached to their belt loops

Neither do I want to interact with people who list the number of countries they have been to ‘and counting,’ or exchange messages with someone who brags about having a five-star Uber rating.

You could say I have spent the best part of a decade using a variety of methods to weed out potential suitors, and along with going on multiple dates from a variety of dating applications with names that miss out vowels such as Happn, or those that work only once a week (Thursday), I have tried a myriad of other strategies.

I have read books (Calling in the One, Get the Guy), attended courses (How to Find Love) and spent many hours with my eyes squeezed shut imagining how it might feel to be in the company of such a man - something known, appropriately, as ‘manifesting.’

I have stopped talking about dating, resumed talking about dating and made a video about dating.

I have taken up sports that I understand are popular with some men but are counter to every fibre of my being, such as climbing and touch rugby. I am scared of heights and cannot catch or throw.

I have attended speed dating evenings, where I have met men with large sets of keys attached to their belt loops or those who kept their caps on indoors.

I have sat in my childhood bedroom in pyjama bottoms and a going out top talking via video call to a man eating a roast dinner during lockdown dates.

I have even pretended to be older than I am so I could meet men on an app for 50-somethings in the hope that this age-group might have its shit together. (It didn’t.)

I have stopped talking about dating, resumed talking about dating and made a video about dating.

I think it is fair to say that I have made an effort, and I must also point out that I am fully prepared for a relationship.

I have binge-watched Couples Therapy on iPlayer, listened endlessly to podcasts with therapist Esther Perel and sought advice from Tracy McMillan’s Instagram posts (Tracy’s article ‘Why You’re Not Married’ went viral in 2011).

I have learned that you must engage in ‘active listening’ with your partner, ‘create space’ for them and work out what each other’s ‘love language’ is.

I have worked out that you must have ‘done the work’ before you add a partner to your life, and discovered that it’s not simply about finding the right person, it’s about being the right person.

In other words, I might have spent more time working on having a relationship than people who are actually in a relationship.

Having previously worked long and hard to find a husband, imagining this would result in being swept off my feet before everything fell miraculously into place, I have since realised this is somewhat unrealistic.

And so, in an attempt to answer my therapist’s question, I have therefore whittled down what I am looking for into these points:

• A man who is vain enough to look after himself but not so vain that he tries on three different outfits a day or whose wardrobe includes muscle cardigans with chunky shawl collars.

• Someone who is kind to everyone, but especially so to me.

• A man who has enough interests/friends that he can go and do/meet whenever I need space.

• Someone who gets me, and gets that I need him to get me. Perhaps he’s even a mind-reader.

• A man who does jobs round the house at an appropriate time, and whose ego is modest enough to know when we need to ‘get a(nother) man in’ to fix things.

• A feminist.

• A man who possibly does not move in with me (or me him), so we can have as much sleep as we like, including diagonal lie-ins.

• Someone who is potentially younger than me (up to 10 years) yet equally as mature as me, who never makes me feel or look older.

So tell me dear reader: is this too much to ask?! And perhaps more importantly - what else should I require from a husband? Help!

*With thanks to Judy Brady and her seminal feminist essay: I Want a Wife, published in Ms magazine in 1971.