How to feel better about being single

Part 1

Hello, and thank you for reading The Honesty Box! If you’re in the UK, I hope you’re enjoying this scorching Sunday so far.

It’s been three weeks since I last wrote and to be honest, I’ve had a bit of a blip. Over the past few months, I’ve had several doses of antibiotics, which have wiped me out. If you look at my Instagram you’ll see pictures of happy me on holiday, but the reality is that while I am massively grateful for that sun, sea and friends time, I spent some of the trip feeling rather shitty. I’m on the mend now, fingers crossed.

Today, I’m writing about how to feel better about being single - when you don’t want to be.

Recently, a friend texted to say she was feeling blue about not having a partner and wondering when her knight in shining armour was going to appear. She’s in her 30s and is bang in the middle of wedding, baby and house-extension season, where everyone else seems to be loved up, procreating and dreaming up their ‘forever’ homes, and while she’s happy for her friends, she’s also sad for herself.

I really get it. I’ve been there, done that and got the t-shirt. I guess you could say I’m still wearing the t-shirt, or in fact the entire outfit. For a long time, I had the feeling of missing out and was resentful because the above list of things wasn’t happening for me, but I’m learning to be kinder to and more accepting of myself, and relishing life right now.

Letting go of the obsessive search for Mr Right and trying to focus less on the desired outcome of dating has helped me feel so much better. Last year I chose to spend little time dating and while I missed the fun bits (kissing someone I fancy, spending time with a new, intriguing person, being open to the possibility of more), I did a few fun things for me (joining a co-working place, trying improv).

This year, I decided to try to enjoy dates for what they are: meeting a stranger for a few hours and being curious about them, hopefully while in pleasant surroundings. If those snippets of time turn into something more frequent, wonderful*. If not, I am still a whole, glorious human.

That probably makes it sound like I think dating is simple, but I’ve learned that life isn’t about how to meet the right guy and spending time worrying about it, it’s about loving your life, and yourself, exactly as you are.

A while back I wrote down a few thoughts about how to feel better about being single - when you don’t think you want to be – but hadn’t done anything with it. This week I found my musings and have had a go at putting them into some points that may be helpful, given my expertise! There are quite a few of these, so I’m going to split them across two newsletters, maybe more.

Point one: Stop comparing and try accepting

This is a biggie. I spent a long time comparing myself to friends who had partners and kids, deciding I was the ‘odd one out’. It was always about why them and not me and how it felt so far away because I was yet to meet a man, let alone decide I wanted to have kids with him.

I felt so down I went to my GP who referred me to a counselling service. At the start of the assessment on the phone, the counsellor asked: 'Do you accept yourself as you are?' I replied that self-acceptance felt like admitting I was a failure. 

But self-acceptance is the first step to feeling happy in exactly the place you are. The kids thing is a potentially shitty thing for women, because there is a biological cut-off for fertility, and that is a tough fact. (Men’s fertility also declines as they get older, but it less of an issue I’d argue.) I have written about how I don’t have kids and how that’s OK for me, but I really do believe that trying to relish life as it presents itself is the way to feel content.

I went through a few years of fear-based dating, where I was worried about everything from not finding a partner meaning I’d die alone, to never finding someone to have kids with. But fear (as I’ve written about) is not a great place from which to date. It made me assess and reject people quite quickly and increased my feeling that when ‘the one’ came along I would instantly know.

OK, so that’s enough for one newsletter. Next time I think I’ll write about how Mr Right won’t solve all your problems.

*I am currently dating someone, after being single on and off for quite a while.

Things I like

Wait But Why

This is one of the best blogs I have read about relationships and being single and how to think differently. It’s called ‘How to pick your life partner,’ and was published in 2014 by writer Tim Urban on his Wait But Why site. He writes about why it is so tricky to find that person, and why we need to be kinder to ourselves about doing so.

One of Tim’s points is that society rushes us: ‘In our world, the major rule is to get married before you’re too old—and “too old” varies from 25 – 35, depending on where you live. The rule should be “whatever you do, don’t marry the wrong person,” but society frowns much more upon a 37-year-old single person than it does an unhappily married 37-year-old with two children,’ he writes. I urge you to read the rest!

Thank you to Ethan Robertson and Unsplash for the image at the top of this page.